(recursion)

I can't believe this was more than two years ago.

I began suffering after I left her, believing I had been a terrible boyfriend. Feeling immense guilt, I couldn't focus on studying, go to class, speak to people even. I isolated myself, effectively dropped out of college for the semester, and eventually sought counseling for anxiety and depression.

A month later, she tried to apologize to me for the things she had done, and we tried to rekindle a platonic friendship, for a bit. Then I discovered she already had found someone new. A lot of things came flooding back to me.

I may have been blinded by infatuation but more so I was just trying my hardest to be a good boyfriend. On many occasions she used subtle hints and threats to make me feel incompetent so I would spend even more hours trying to satisfy her endless hunger for attention. All of this was veiled under a guise of cutesy humor and mixed with a substantial dose of love bombing, making it very difficult to identify.

I was so lucky my gut told me to dump her. I need to trust that thing more.

It hasn't been just about her. One day when playing with the black dog, I realized that my major wasn't really what I was interested in and my personal values weren't exactly what I thought they were. I changed it and began focusing on what really matters to me. Isolation became solitude, and I began a slow crawl into a better place.

And that makes two years. With graduation nearing, I realize uni wasn't anything like I expected. I was pretty stressed and miserable for most of it. I made very few friends. I didn't get the major I intended, the WAM I wanted, the networks I imagined, or even graduate as soon as I thought. But there was no other time in my life where I was given the opportunities to better myself (harsh as those may have been). I'm probably going to miss that.

But at least for a few more months, I'm still here, still the weird guy in this college that never talks to anyone. I wish I could help it. But funny how it is, I couldn't be paid to trade the past for something more palatable. The illness will pass one day, but the things I've learned and experienced are for life.

I guess in that sense, uni was alright after all.