Dear Sunshine

I have many questions.

Did you not see me struggling to walk you home on Tuesday evening, preparing to vomit? Did you not realize why I paid $25 for a cab  home when I was right next to White Sands' taxi stand? Did you not see me struggling with the downhill slope on Thursday after only 5km+? Did you not realize why I was so insistent on coming back home afterwards, and on my mother to drive you home?

I have been nothing but honest with you - I am tired. I can barely physically handle our dates, for the bit of walking they require. I could hardly leave my bed on Sunday, when our troubles began. You claim I make excuses, and claim you are tired yourself. I apologize, then, if you felt nausea, hiccups, bloatedness, or lightheadedness over the course of my dates. But somehow, I doubt you did.

You say actions speak louder than words. Well, these are my actions. Despite my adverse health, I have gone on two dates with you this week, including one where I walk 6km in midday heat. On these two dates, I have taken you home once, as requested, and got someone to drive us when I was in no position to accompany you.

You wonder where is my love for you. This week I have held you, kissed you, bought museum tickets and food for you, told you I love you, and ultimately decided to spend time with you despite my difficulties and shortcomings. But clearly, what I have done is not enough. I must be a truly incompetent boyfriend, then, if all of this is not getting through. This makes me all the more interested in your breakup letter. Even if by some chance you decide to stay with me, I want to read it.

Now I ask: where is your love for me? My physical recovery this fortnight in part determines my results for the coming semester - my future. Yet your primary concern seems to be on whether your boyfriend is around to prove his love to you, not on his well-being or on his future. Examine yourself: you got angry because he didn't plan a date when he literally just flew in (and he did arrange a date, you forgot). You want to break up over him not travelling for 1.5 hours to accompany you on an errand - again, not 2 days after finishing a semester and flying home. You ask where the Valentine's Day flowers are when you know live flowers will not clear customs and you know V-Day was but a few days before his final exam.

You say that I don't cherish you. I have been trying; but what I do seems to fall on blind eyes and deaf ears. Perhaps this is all my incompetence; but meanwhile, my partner's actions show hardly more care than mine own. 

Tell me this is not at least a little bit unfair.

But I understand; I only know how to appeal to reason, not to emotion, and fairness and reason be damned, because you don't feel loved. This is a weakness of my personality, and now it gapes openly. To revisit Gary Chapman, "There will come a day where you will see all the flaws of your partner and wonder why you ever loved him or her." Seems like you clearly see my flaws now, at least.

Thus, I leave the decision of breaking up in your hands. I have said this before: I want you to be happy. I beseech you to do what is best for yourself.

If you decide to change your mind, I will continue with trying to be a good boyfriend. There are no guarantees, but I will do my best to overcome what appear to be a myriad of shortcomings.

On the other hand, if you leave my side, I will forgive you for hurting me, and I will let you move on as you please. This is a promise. But as the Episcopalians teach, forgiveness in heaven does not mean consequence on Earth is lost; thus, if you ultimately choose to leave and close the relationship, I will not let you date me again. I believe this is helps us avoid a situation similar to your ex, so it is beneficial for us both.

Since you are still my girlfriend until I receive further news:
With love, Sunshine.